I was trying to craft a response to an email I received from a coworker today, and I was weighing the best way to respond to it, when all of a sudden I felt this wave of nostalgia for my childhood. If you've ever heard about my childhood (think Dark Lord Sauron And His Family) you'll know this doesn't happen very often. I was nostalgic for the days when I spoke freely, bluntly, without too much pause or hesitation. When I could frown openly when I didn't like something, or gush crazily when I loved something.
It was no doubt tactless at times. But at least it was honest.
I didn't outgrow this honesty until after college. Still have some relapses, but you can safely say that the first amendment is not protected with vigor when I talk. Not that I lie. I rarely do that. But that's different than being totally honest.
I feel like some people pretend tact and sensitivity is better, somehow morally superior to plain old honesty. It's not. That's one of these lies someone with overblown etiquette righteousness (a miserable fucking thing, etiquette.) tries to pawn off on everybody. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about tender honesty. I'm all about trying to be considerate and treating people with respect. The Golden Rule. All that shit. But that respect has warped into the worst kind of double talk and subterfuge. I'll have to come up with examples because I'm being all abstract again which means NOBODY is going to fucking comment on this post.
What I am saying is that speaking honestly is something I see rarely. (And ranty blowhards like meself don't count.)
It's just sad. Given ALL the ways to communicate, we've become completely inept at doing it honestly with each other. It's also, coincidentally, a way of excluding others, of wielding power, a way of keeping power. Alleged uranium enrichment in Niger comes to mind. But other more banal scenarios come to mind, too: buying a house in a nice neighborhood or getting a promotion.
I gotta go write this email.
8 years ago
4 comments:
I tried being honest with someone at work, and she didn't want to hear it. She's been having a tough time as of late (got dumped by her asshole boyfriend, doesn't like her job anymore, doesn't know what to do in life). I tried giving her advice, but she either wants quiet pity or nothing at all. I felt bad afterward. I think talking, and talking freely and honestly, is liberating. Some people don't, I guess. I don't think I was tactless. I may have been, but I sincerely doubt it.
Anyway...
Agreed. And well-put. Also, I have to tell you I agree with you that etiquette is indeed a miserable fucking thing, as you put it, on all counts.
Alty, I can't imagine you ever being tactless. And you're right, people don't always want to hear it.
I hear you. I read somewhere recently that people lie once every ten minutes. Who knows where they came up with that statistic, but no matter: it illuminates the reality that we all have to lie in adult life as a survival skill. We lie in professional settings out of tact, sure -- but also in friendly settings and even in entirely innocuous situations where there's no reason to actually mask what we're thinking. Anyway, hope the letter went well.
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